"The Princess Diarist" by Carrie Fisher

This last memoir/reminiscences by Carrie Fisher was both surprising and heartbreaking. I loved Carrie Fisher's humor. She laughs at herself as well as at and with her fans. She makes fun of the way she and the rest of the Star Wars cast stumbled into fame of intergalactic proportions. It was a low-budget film, and Carrie's, at the age of 19, first unsure attempt at trying a hand at show business. Sure, she appeared in Shampoo prior to that, but this was her first big female lead role. Neither she nor anybody else on the set of the first Star Wars film had any idea what an iconic character Princess Leia will end up being.

Going into this book, I knew that Carrie Fisher drew her inspirations from the journals she kept while filming the first Star Wars movie. I also knew that in this book she finally confirmed that she and Harrison Ford had a three-month affair during the filming. What I was not prepared for is how much of the book was about her relationship with Ford and how much it truly affected and traumatized her for the rest of her life.

In 1976, Harrison Ford was 15 years her senior, married with two children. Carrie Fisher was a young inexperienced girl with a penchant for unavailable men, ready to hand her heart over to the first guy remotely interested in spending time with her. Fisher remembers feeling insecure around Ford, wanting to please him and being afraid of making a fool of herself at the same time. Like any naive teenage girl, she immediately began fantasizing about marrying him and growing old together. Despite the fact that she claims to have never really loved him, the poetry she wrote at 19 tells a different story. She also at one point states: “While there’s still time for Carrison to grow old together, that gateway is steadily closing. If we’re going to get back together we’re going to have to do it soon.” I don't think Carrie ever entirely got over that 3-month affair with Harrison. After all, if it meant nothing, why would you keep silent about it for 40 years, unless that wound was still bleeding? This was heartbreaking, particularly in light of the fact that she tragically died at the age of 60 very soon after the book came out. 5 out of 5 stars, and I highly recommend the audio version, read by Carrie Fisher herself.

With him love was easier done than said
Instead of taking you to heart he would take you to bed
And you take what he has to offer lying down
You’re getting more involved while he’s still getting around
It’s all a matter of touch and go
Cause he’s one for all and all for show
But after all was said and almost done
I was playing for keeps and he was playing for fun
Carrie Fisher